Where’s my confidence? (Surprise! You already have it).
A big topic in coaching, whether it is with employees, managers or even with health coaching clients, is confidence.
We all have that person in our lives who we admire because they seem so confident and sure of themselves. Maybe its because they stand up for themselves, or its in their posture as they walk. Maybe they wear things that really stand out that you never thought you could pull off, or maybe they seemingly never get nervous speaking in front of a crowd. Whatever it is that you notice, we so often ask ourselves, why am I not like that?
Even if you don’t believe it (yet), you can and will find confidence with practice and perseverance. Why? Because ‘You are who you’re looking for,’ (Quote by Adam Roa). You can choose to wallow in your woe or, you can learn about how to tap into your version of confidence. We’ve already defined some ways in which confidence shows up in others, but if you’re like many people, you are working on your own confidence and discovering how it shows up for you.
Let’s first look at some of the biggest reasons why so many of us feel we lack confidence:
-We compare ourselves to others. I love social media for some things, like keeping up with old friends and finding killer recipes. But the comparison to others is one reason that its on my *&%# list. People, of course, put their best selves forward to the world but no one is perfect no matter what their feed says. No two people are on the same life journey. They will not experience the same things nor will they take away the same lessons from those experiences. Moreover, everyone has different values, goals and baggage (you know, the stuff that just keeps coming back up for you stopping your ability to move forward). This comparison of ourselves to others ends up in a ‘have’ and ‘have not’ scenario where you feel as though you’re missing out on something or unable to attain something that someone else has; FOMO much? Whatever it is that the “perfect” person is dealing with that you don’t see, may be something you wouldn’t wish upon your biggest enemy.
-Setting unrealistic expectations. Having lofty goals is amazing. But having completely unrealistic expectations especially when coupled with comparisons to others is detrimental to progress and detrimental to your mental health. You are not and cannot be, perfect. You don’t have to volunteer for everything that crosses your path. You don’t have to say yes, yes, yes. You don’t have to always have the answers. The higher the expectations you set for yourself, the harder you fall when you don’t meet them. Even worse, you can end up saying horrible things to yourself along the way.
-Horrible inner critic. We can be so incredibly mean to ourselves. The narrative we continue over and over in our head is something that we actually end up believing if we say it enough; self-fulfilling prophecy. “I’m fat, I’m stupid, I’ll never get hired.’ Only you know what nasty thing you tell yourself. Guess what? You don’t have to believe everything you think (and please don’t).
-Lack of external support system. While I said that the journey is yours alone, it may be true that you alone can control how you experience life, but it doesn’t mean you have to do it all yourself. It is so important that we find our tribe. Those people that uplift us and those we can learn from.
-We choose not to see opportunity. We choose to be unhappy. I realize there are extremely horrible things that happen in our lives that are atrocities and outliers and choosing to be happy in those circumstances seems like a cruel idea. Let’s leave those aside and focus on the less extreme situations, those that come up like a conflict at work or with friends, for instance, or the loss of a job. While not fun experiences, we choose how we show up. We can sit and blame our last company for doing this to us, “how dare they fire me.” OR, we can choose to say, I learned a lot while I was there and I will be be a great addition to my next company.
Now that we have some tangible examples of why we may lack confidence, let’s talk about the important part: how to built it up. Remember, its already there, it just needs a little help to come to the surface.
-Acknowledge the journey. Change is hard. Breathe. Remember that you deserve grace and will need to practice patience throughout your journey.
-Reinvent your narrative. Like anything, think weight loss as an example, in order for it to stick, it has to become a habit. Practice saying nice things to yourself in the mirror. Practice talking about yourself in the 3rd person. As silly as it seems either of these reinforces a positive narrative and positive self-talk that you will, eventually, believe if you practice. You are what you tell yourself. So…tell yourself you’re freaking awesome.
-Learn from your experiences. Didn’t achieve something? Ok. But what did you learn? Did you learn that you need to take on smaller challenges that ladder up to the big one? Did you learn that you don’t do your best work at night? Did you learn that you cry sometimes when you think about hard things? Guess what? that’s all okay! Keeping track of how you’re feeling and recognizing what you’re telling yourself is key. Choosing to see opportunity in each experience is key in providing yourself with brain space to see the possible. When you are in a cycle of negative thinking, it is nearly impossible to see possibilities and not problems. The key is learning from your experiences and not comparing yourself to others. Other people may be in different stages of life, financially or otherwise. It isn’t about them, this is about you and your own identity.
-Forgive yourself. Guilt is real. If you feel guilt, there is something driving you that you think you should be saying or doing. What is that? Where is it coming from? Are you comparing yourself to others? What expectations are you putting on yourself? For whom are you putting in the work, yourself, or others? Forgiving yourself and moving forward after failure is going to be one of your biggest assets in gaining confidence. You’ll realize that you are the one holding yourself back and once you acknowledge and forgive, you’ll move forward with rapid pace.
-Start small. Making big change can feel daunting and when we try to tackle something huge and fail, we often give up trying again. So start small. Think about that big change you want to make, and break it down into much smaller to-dos that are a stretch but definitely achievable. It sounds silly, but if making your bed isn’t something you do on a daily basis, that’s a great way to start small. It makes a difference in how your room looks and how you feel climbing into bed at night. Get in a routine of it, and the next thing you know you’ll have a clean closet, clean room, clean house. Imagine what that could do for you? Like I said before, you are not capable of taking it all on at once. While you might think you’re a muti-tasking magician, you’re not. Our brains are not wired to be pulled in multiple directions at once. Here is a quick excerpt from an article on Asana: “If you’re doing two things at once—even if those things aren’t perfectly optimized—aren’t you getting more done? In fact, it’s the opposite. Research done by Dr. David Meyer and Dr. Joshua Rubinstein showed that even these brief mental blocks that happen as a result of context switching cost as much as 40% of someone’s productive time. Because it takes mental effort to switch between cognitive tasks, multitasking affects your ability to get work done efficiently and effectively.”
-Self-Care. How do you unwind after tough conversations or a long day? How often are you creating movement in your life? What are you eating and what do you feel like when you eat certain foods? Are you drinking enough water? These sound simple but they are effective at combating negative brain activity. Self-care comes in many forms and in many cases tiny ones. You don’t have to spend an entire day at the spa (though if you can, do). Even something as seemingly simple as ensuring you’re eating at regular intervals during the day and staying away from sugary foods can boost your positive energy and thinking. We tend to make very hasty and sometimes destructive decisions when we are hungry or lack energy. Self-care is about YOU not what you do for others. Take a break and worry about yourself once in awhile. It’s okay to, and you’ve been working on releasing guilt so you’ll be equipped to handle that.
Last but not least…
-Take stock of what you do have. You have accomplished a lot. Write it out. Read it to yourself. Keep an up-to-date resume at all times not so you can jump ship from your current role (though it does help when it comes time to write performance evals), but to remind you that you are capable of great things and that you are always making some sort of progress. Create a calendar invite to take stock on a monthly, quarterly or half-year basis. Think about your support network and if you have the right people in the right seats. Do your friends and family build you up or shut you down? Consider eliminating anything in your stockpile that sucks out your energy and emotion. Celebrate your wins. Remember that something as simple as thanking your body for its ability to move, to hug your kids to laugh, is a small piece of recognition that will give dividends toward your confidence.
Your confidence might not appear over night but with a little work you’ll be grooving to your own tune in no time. If you are having trouble wrapping your head around where to start, seek out a coach who can help by asking you the right questions to get you on your way. Don’t be fooled that only younger people need to work on confidence, it is an art that you can and should continue to perfect and hone at every age. There is a reason that my spirit animal is Bigfoot…you have to believe in yourself, even when no one else does.